


Blind Love

by impalagirl, wilddragonflying



Series: Roleplays [54]
Category: Captain America (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Fluff, Loki is still a Bad Guy, M/M, Protective!Bucky, but isn't as big of a dick as he could be, post-serum!steve, pre-serum!Steve, with a twist of our own, wrong conclusions, you see color when you meet your soulmate
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-18
Updated: 2017-04-18
Packaged: 2018-10-20 17:35:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,654
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10667508
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/impalagirl/pseuds/impalagirl, https://archiveofourown.org/users/wilddragonflying/pseuds/wilddragonflying
Summary: Bucky didn't know it when he woke up this morning, but today is the most important day of his life. He knows it now, though. He knows it because Steve's eyes are blue, and his hair is blond and his satchel is a deep, murky colour he doesn't have the name for yet. He only knows about Steve's eyes and hair because Mrs Rogers explained it once, her voice thick with emotion as she told them how like his father he is. Steve has always been easy on the eyes, but today he's beautiful, breathtaking; Bucky can't look away.





	Blind Love

Bucky didn't know it when he woke up this morning, but today is the most important day of his life. He knows it now, though. He knows it because Steve's eyes are blue, and his hair is blond and his satchel is a deep, murky colour he doesn't have the name for yet. He only knows about Steve's eyes and hair because Mrs Rogers explained it once, her voice thick with emotion as she told them how like his father he is. Steve has always been easy on the eyes, but today he's beautiful, breathtaking; Bucky can't look away.

"Hey, Stevie," he says, aware that he's grinning like an idiot but quite unable to stop. His heart is hammering in his chest, despite the fact that he's never felt more confident: he's been waiting for this moment for _years_. "Having a good day?"

"Not as good as yours," Steve observes, grinning slightly. "What's got you grinning so big?"

Bucky doesn't even falter; if anything, his grin brightens. "Seeing you, of course! What else?"

Steve rolls his eyes, expression fond. "You see me just about every day, doofus," he points out. 

"Yeah, but." Bucky almost chokes. "You... Do you not--?"

"Not what?" Steve asks, starting to get a little concerned now. "You know I like seeing you, Buck. You're my best friend."

 _Fuck_ , Bucky thinks desperately. He's a little dizzy. "Of course I know that," he says, forcing a laugh. "It's been a long day. Just glad to get out of work and see a friendly face, is all."

Steve knows Bucky well enough after a decade and a half of friendship to know that's not nearly all of the problem, but he also knows that Bucky won't answer if Steve pushes. So Steve just nods, accepting the not-quite-truth Bucky's given him. "Well, how about you take this friendly face to the diner? I'm starving."

"Oh," Bucky says, something awful twisting in his gut. "I'd love to, Stevie. But Ma needs me at home, something about Becca's birthday. You know how she is."

Steve nods, even as his heart drops into his stomach; Rebecca's birthday isn't for another three weeks. "Yeah, of course. I'll see you tomorrow?"

"Sure thing," Bucky agrees. "Say hey to your mom for me."

"Will do," Steve says - but Bucky's already walking away. 

* * *

Things are a bit strained between them for a week or so, but eventually they find their rhythm once again. It carries them through the next few years, including Steve's mother's death, and the turbulent first few months of living together. Things even out eventually, until nearly a year after they move in, when Rebecca meets her soulmate. When Steve comes home that night, he finds Bucky sitting on their couch, staring intently at the bottle in his hands. "Hey. You okay?"

Bucky doesn't look up, but his tone is light when he says, "Yep. Drinking a toast."

"What to?" Steve asks curiously. 

"Becca," Bucky says. "She got her colours today."

"She did?" Steve repeats, grinning. "Well, that's great! Who with?"

"A guy she met at the grocer's," Bucky answers. "They're probably still making eyes at each other in my mom's kitchen."

Steve makes a face; he's seen enough newly-colored couples to know how annoying that could get. "Well, that's still a good thing. Becca deserves to be happy."

"Yeah," Bucky agrees readily enough. "Yeah, she does."

Steve smiles then, moving to sit next to Bucky on the couch. "So she didn't know this fella before today?"

"That's how it works, isn't it?" Bucky asks, though he knows for a fact it's not; not always. "You take your first look at your soulmate and suddenly the world's in colour."

"Well, yeah," Steve admits. "But there are people who knew each other from before that turned out to be soulmates."

Bucky cuts his gaze sharply to Steve. "You speaking from experience there, pal?"

"My parents knew each other," Steve points out. "Granted it was only for a couple of weeks, but they'd spoken before they got their colors."

Bucky concedes the point with a nod, ignoring the disappointment so sharp it makes his jaw ache. "Do you think they knew?" he asks, because he's a masochist. "Before. Do you think they knew it would happen one day?"

Steve thinks for a moment. "I remember Mom saying that she was attracted to him from the start, but... No, I don't think they guessed they were soulmates."

"Huh," Bucky says. He takes a long pull from the bottle. "Must've been a nice surprise."

"It wasn't for Dad," Steve admits. "He'd had his eye on another girl."

Bucky looks up at that. "Really?" he asks.

"Yeah," Steve confirms with a nod. "He wasn't exactly happy to find out she wasn't his soulmate, but after he got to know Mom, he started falling for her."

Bucky smiles softly. "That's sweet."

"It was," Steve agrees, his own smile matching Bucky's. "I can't wait to find my colors."

"Yeah," Bucky says, already raising the bottle to his lips once more. "Me neither."

* * *

Bucky doesn't know how he manages it, but he keeps his secret for exactly as long as he has to. He's leaving tomorrow, maybe forever, and Steve still has no idea that he's Bucky's soulmate. It hasn't been easy, and Bucky has spent a good deal of time seeking comfort in the arms of other, similarly-troubled men and women, but he and Steve have been happy these last few years, in their own way.

Of course, he has to go and fuck it up on his last night.

"It'll be okay, Stevie," Bucky slurs as they reach their front door. They've had a few drinks, Bucky more than Steve, and Bucky did consider going home with the two girls who came out with them - but he couldn't do that to himself, not tonight. "Won't it? You'll be fine. And I'll be fine. Probably."

"Yeah," Steve says, pushing away the guilt over what he'd managed to do before Bucky had found him again. "We will be. But we'll be better once we get some water in you, then get you in bed."

Bucky laughs, and there's an edge to it like a knife. "I'm fine," he says. "I'm _fine_. Don't wanna go to bed yet. Can't waste my last night with you, with my-- my best guy."

Steve's heart trips over itself, but he's too busy staring at Bucky to be worried. "Your best guy? Shouldn't you be saving that name for your soulmate?" he asks, a bit desperately.

"Nah," Bucky says. "Don't hafta worry about that."

"What do you mean?"

"Nothin', Steve, s'nothin'." Bucky pulls away from Steve, frowning. "Maybe we should go to bed."

"No," Steve says stubbornly. "What do you mean?"

"Nothing," Bucky says, suddenly sober. "It's nothing, Steve, come on."

"No, tell me," Steve insists. "Something's been bothering you."

Bucky shoots him a wounded look. "How do you know."

"Because I know you, dumbass," Steve says with a roll of his eyes. 

"Yeah," Bucky sighs. "Yeah, I suppose you do."

"Yeah, so why don't you tell me what's wrong, so I don't have to worry about you while you're overseas."

Bucky sighs again, looks away. "I have my colours," he says.

"You - really?" Steve can't even begin to know what he's feeling, but whatever it is, he's not sure it's good. "When?"

"A while ago," Bucky says evasively. Then, "Few years."

"Oh," Steve says, a bit dumbly. "Why - Why aren't you with them?" He mentally kicks himself as soon as he asks; there's really only a couple of reasons why someone who has their colors wouldn't be with their soulmate.

"Doesn't want me," Bucky says, with a shrug, like he isn't _aching_. "Their colours are meant for someone else."

"Oh," Steve says, his chest aching. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Bucky says. "I'm over it."

He very obviously isn't, but Steve lets the subject drop. "All right. Let's get you into bed."

Bucky nods, and lets Steve help him because he's pathetic. When he's finally in bed, though, and Steve is turning to go to his own, Bucky reaches out and catches his skinny wrist. "Wait," he says. "Stay. Please?"

Steve's never been able to deny Bucky when he gets like this. "Yeah. Yeah, scoot over."

Bucky does as he's told, and something inside of him settles as soon as he feels Steve close against him. "Thanks," he sighs, his eyes already closing. "Night, Steve."

Steve sighs. "Night, Buck," he murmurs. 

* * *

Steve climbs out of the VitaRay machine feeling like he's been hammered by a meat tenderizer, and the first thing he sees is the deep, ruby red of Peggy's lipstick, and his heart sinks down to his toes. Of all the - 

Well, now he knows what Bucky's been going through. 

Something must be showing on his face, because Peggy steps forward, concerned. "How do you feel?"

Steve doesn't even want to try to admit what's wrong in front of a crowd like this. So instead of answering truthfully, with, 'Apparently my colors don't match with my soulmate's, because she already found hers in a diner back in New York shortly before she left for New Jersey,' he deflects. "Taller," is what he comes up with. 

Peggy smiles. "Well, you're not wrong," she says, and holds out a hand. "Come on, let's--"

All hell breaks loose.

* * *

"So," Bucky says, several months and several agonising brushes with death later. He's in so much pain, so exhausted he can barely see straight, but he has to deal with this before it eats him alive. "You finally got your colours."

Steve blinks, looking up from the papers in his hands. "I - How did you know?"

"You said it a few days ago," Bucky says. "Somethin' about the sky being _so blue_."

"Oh." Steve shrugs. "Well, I uh - it happened a while back. But, well- I guess I know how you feel."

"What?" Bucky asks sharply. "What do you mean?"

Steve glances around, makes sure they're alone, before admitting, "It's Peggy, but she'd already gotten hers before I met her."

"Carter's your soulmate?" Bucky asks. "Wow."

"Yeah," Steve says, a bit sadly. "She's great, but... I'm not hers. But I'm happy to be her friend."

"I'm sorry," Bucky says. "I'm so sorry, Steve. You deserve better."

Steve shrugs. "We're friends," he repeats. "And besides, I've got you."

Bucky blinks. "I'm hardly a substitute for your soulmate, Steve."

"You're my best friend, you're my family," Steve points out. "That's a little more important than soulmates."

"Yeah," Bucky agrees, and his smile is small but heartfelt. "Yeah, you're right."

"Of course I am," Steve laughs, moving until he can pull Bucky into a hug. 

Bucky's laugh is more of a wheeze, but he hugs Steve back all the same. "Careful with the goods," he teases. "I'm still sore."

"Sorry," Steve apologizes, but he doesn't let Bucky go for another long moment. "We'll make sure you get first shot at the medics when we get back."

"Sounds good to me," Bucky agrees with a yawn. "I'm wiped. You stickin' around?"

"Yeah, if you aren't using that other bedroll," Steve answers. 

Bucky smiles. "It's all yours."

* * *

Steve wakes up several weeks later to the site of the medic tent roof. "Damn," he groans, making to reach up to his forehead - only to realize he can't move his left hand. A glance to his side reveals Bucky asleep in the chair next to his cot. Steve can't help the smile that takes over his expression. He also can't help the slight chuckle that escapes him when he realises that the reason he can't move his hand is because it's trapped in Bucky's own. He squeezes Bucky's hand. "Hey, Barnes; wake up."

Bucky's eyes fly open. "What is it?" he demands. "Steve?"

"Yeah, I'm up," Steve says, then coughs. "We got any water?"

"Yeah," Bucky says, already leaning over to offer Steve the glass. "Here."

Steve takes several grateful sips. "Thanks. How long have I been out?"

"Almost a day," Bucky says, his voice terse. "What were you thinking?"

"That I wouldn't trip," Steve says dryly. 

"You're not funny," Bucky grumbles. "You almost died."

Steve sighs. "Yeah, that wasn't part of the plan. For what it's worth, I'm sorry for worrying you."

"It's worth a lot," Bucky says, squeezing Steve's hand. "It'd be worth a lot more if you could be more careful in future."

Steve smiles, squeezes Bucky's hand back. "I will," he promises. "I'm not looking to die any sooner than necessary."

"Good," Bucky says, fiercely. "I'm not losing you, Rogers. I can't."

Steve's breath catches in his chest at the look in Bucky's eyes, and he nods. "I can't lose you, either," he admits. "Why do you think I came after you in Azzano? I'll always come after you."

"I believe you," Bucky says. "And I will, too. You know that."

Steve smiles. "I do," he says quietly. "I know that."

"Good," Bucky says, leaning closer, his face open and earnest. "As long as you know that, that's all that matters."

Steve shifts closer to bucky, his smile turning into something tender. "Long as you know the same," he murmurs, bringing his right hand out from under the blankets, reaching for Bucky's shoulder. 

"I do," Bucky promises, letting the look in Steve's eyes draw him in. "I do. Steve. Steve, I--"

"Is that Steve?" a bright voice asks, and then Peggy is pushing her way into the tent, and Bucky is jerking guiltily away from Steve. "Oh good, I thought I heard you. How are you feeling, love?"

 _Love_. Bucky feels sick.

Steve wants to reel Bucky back in, but he's practically radiating discomfort. Instead, he gives Peggy a smile. "Yeah, I'm awake. Still a little sore, probably going to take another nap soon. How's everyone else?"

"Fine, fine," Peggy says as Bucky releases his hold on Steve's hand, gets to his feet. "It's you we've all been worried about. You gave us quite the scare."

Steve makes a face. "Yeah, not an experience I'm eager to - where are you going, Buck?"

"Just gettin' some air," Bucky says. "Don't need me takin' up all the space in here. Sit down, Pegs."

"Oh, thank you, James." Peggy takes Bucky's seat, and Bucky takes his leave as she slips her hand into Steve's. This is what Steve needs.

* * *

Less than a month later, Bucky falls, and they both break their promises: Steve doesn't follow him, and when he's finally upright again, Bucky doesn't return to him. It's neither of their faults, and when Bucky's back to himself he'll know that. But he hasn't been Bucky for a very, very long time.

The day the Asset includes a colour in one of his reports is a day that he doesn't remember, because he's wiped so many times that when he finally does remember, decades later when he's scared and alone in a country where no one will ever know his name, he realises it's a miracle he's still breathing. He realises it's a miracle he still has colours. Because he knows what that means now, and if he still has his colours, then Steve Rogers is still alive. The Asset - Barnes - Bucky didn't kill him that day on the helicarrier, when he beat him to hell and shot him three times and then dragged him out of the water only to abandon him on the bank.

It's this realisation that finally drags him to his feet and sends him crawling back to Captain America.

* * *

"So," Bucky says, ten weeks later, the first word he's spoken since he was released into Steve's custody and left alone to work out how to become a person again. "Smartphones."

Steve startles, simply because he's become reluctantly resigned to the silence, but then he offers Bucky a grin. "Crazy, right? All that technology in the palm of your hand. None of those science fiction novels even dreamed of that."

"It's weird," Bucky agrees. "Can't even get my head around it. But. I kind of want one."

"Tony's been itching to try to make something that would let you use both hands," Steve says thoughtfully. "Or there's gloves, I think, that you can use with a regular one?"

Bucky tries for a smile. "Let's give it a shot," he says. "If, uhh, you want to help me."

Steve's smile widens. "Yeah, I want to - much as you'll let me," he reassures Bucky. 

"I'd like that," Bucky admits quietly. He jerks his head. "Come over here, show me yours?"

"Sure thing." Steve fishes his phone from his pocket, hands it to Bucky when he's close enough. "Tony made it after I dumped my SHIELD phone, said he'd been looking for a guinea pig who'd heal faster if the thing blew up in my pocket, but I'm about ninety-eight percent certain he was joking."

"Wouldn't surprise me if he wasn't," Bucky says darkly, but he's leaning into Steve's heat, relaxing for the first time in almost a century.

"He's pretty good at what he does," Steve points out. "He made this fairly self-explanatory."

Bucky nods. He's already swiping at the screen, browsing through the photos without paying much attention to them, just getting used to the sensitivity of the screen, until-- "You took a picture of me while I was asleep?"

Steve flushes hot enough he's sure Bucky could fry an egg on his ears. "I - I couldn't sleep. Back when you first came back, I thought you'd leave any night, and I - I wouldn't have tried to stop you, but I wanted something to remember you with."

Bucky turns to look at Steve, his gaze soft, almost tender. "I ain't goin' nowhere," he says. "You're stuck with me now, Rogers. I mean it this time."

Steve's breath hitches, and he can't help what bursts out next. "I'm sorry."

"No," Bucky says, softly, soothingly. "Wasn't your fault, Stevie, you know that."

"I should've - I _promised_ you," Steve says brokenly. 

"You thought I was dead," Bucky says. "I should have been dead; I was as good as dead. There was nothing you could have done."

"I could have looked for your body, could have made sure you'd get a proper burial," Steve protests, eyes growing hot in the way that means tears are eminent. "They buried an empty box, Buck! Your family didn't - I didn't - "

"Hey, hey, it's okay," Bucky says, pulling Steve into a tight hug, the first they've had since he got back. "It's all okay, none of that matters, I'm here now."

Steve is powerless to do anything but fall into Bucky's embrace, wrapping his arms around Bucky tight enough that if this were anyone else, he'd be worried about breaking ribs. "You weren't," he says, breath hitching. "You weren't here, and I - I shouldn't have woken up, but I did, they woke me up and I was alone, then you - then you were there, then gone, and - and - "

"I'm sorry," Bucky tells him. "I'm so sorry, Stevie, but I'm here now, and I'm not going anywhere, I swear it. You never have to be alone again."

Steve doesn't say anything for several long moments, too preoccupied with simply drawing comfort from Bucky's presence, his arms around Steve. When he can finally speak again, he says, "Thank you. I don't - don't want you to feel obligated, but..." But Steve really doesn't want to be alone again. The Avengers are his friends, rapidly coming close to becoming his family, but they're not the same. 

"I know I'm not _obligated_ ," Bucky huffs, fond. "I'm staying because I--" No, his brain may be scrambled egg, but he knows he can't say that. "I want to."

"Well, good," Steve says - mumbles, really, because he's still got his face buried in Bucky's shoulder. 

Bucky considers pulling away, making a joke to cheer Steve up and move them away from such serious conversation, but he realises he doesn't want to. This is the first time he's held Steve in seventy years; he's going to let himself have this, just a little while longer.

* * *

Things continue to improve between Steve and Bucky for the next couple of months, until Thor brings Loki to visit. The Asgardian swears up and down that Loki is safe, that he's been reformed - to the extent where he can be cautiously trusted, at least - and the Avengers reluctantly allow the Jotun to stay; Thor has one _hell_ of a set of puppy-dog eyes. And things go well for the first couple of days, until Loki gets a considering look in his eyes while watching Steve and Bucky on the communal floor one day.

The next morning, Steve wakes up not only without his colours, but sans serum as well. He nearly has an asthma attack before he can even call out to Bucky, but he manages to get himself back under control through sheer force of will, long enough to get to the inhaler he had bought when he first moved into the Tower out of irrational paranoia. Well, at least that bit of paranoia paid off. "What the _fuck,_ " he manages to wheeze after taking a hit of the inhaler and feeling his lungs relax. " _How_ the fuck?" He's too caught up in his own head to hear Bucky's approach - and the fact that he's gone back to being half-deaf on the left side doesn't help.

"Steve?" Bucky asks, at Steve's side already, a steadying hand on the small of his back. "Christ, Stevie, what happened?"

"I dunno, but I have a feeling Loki's behind this," Steve growls. "But first, I need to call down to DC, see if - if Peggy..."

"Peggy?" Bucky asks. "What about Peggy?"

"I don't have my colours anymore," Steve explains, almost a bit desperately. "I need to see - Pegs's in a nursing home, she's got Alzheimer's, I need to know if - " He doesn't bother finishing the sentence, instead digging out his phone and almost frantically dialing the home's number, waiting impatiently while it rings. 

Bucky's breath hitches and he wraps his arm around Steve's waist, just holding him; no one speaks until the call connects and a bright voice says, "Phoenix House, how can I help you?"

"Marge, it's Steve," he says, relieved that someone he knows picked up the phone. "I need to know, is Peggy all right? I just - I woke up this morning with a bad feeling, and I've learned to trust my instincts."

"Oh," Marge says, surprised. "Mr Rogers, she's fine. I just checked on her ten minutes ago."

Steve's breath leaves him in a rush. "She's fine?" he repeats, confused. 

"Well, as fine as she can be," Marge says. "She doesn't have very many lucid days anymore, you know that."

"Yeah, I do," Steve says, still off-kilter. If Peggy isn't dead, then why doesn't he still have his colours? "Thanks, Marge."

"Well?" Bucky asks when Steve hangs up. "Is she okay?"

"Yeah," Steve says slowly, frowning slightly. "She's fine; not having a lucid day, but she's had those before and I've never lost my colours."

"What do you think it means?" Bucky asks.

"Well, there's only one thing it can mean, right?" Steve had always been taught that the first time you see your colours, the person you're looking at is your soulmate. But he and Peggy had locked eyes more than a few times while he was training. 

Bucky blinks. "What?"

Steve can’t even begin to process this. He shakes his head. "Loki," he growls. "He's a trickster, he's got magic - I bet he's behind this."

Bucky frowns, rubbing circles into Steve's back like he used to when they were younger. "Making you small and sick again, I get," he says. "But why would he take your colours?"

"I don't know, but I'm gonna find out," Steve says determinedly, twisting away from Bucky and stalking toward the elevator. 

"Steve!" Bucky shouts.

"What?" Steve snaps, turning to give Bucky a hard stare. It's extremely disconcerting, looking at Bucky in shades of grey instead of the colors Steve has come to expect. 

Bucky gestures, encompassing the whole of Steve's now considerably slighter frame. The t-shirt he wore to bed last night is still on, but it's huge, loose enough at the collar that it's leaving one shoulder tantalisingly bare; his lower half, on the other hand... "Maybe some pants?"

Steve glances down, then sighs. "Pants," he agrees reluctantly. "Then I'm going to go sock Loki in the jaw."

"Okay," Bucky says, standing up. It's surprisingly easy to slip back into this role that he barely remembers. "Maybe it's not such a good idea for the tiny mortal to go up against the giant god right this second. No offence. Let's talk to the others first, and if Loki needs punching out, I'll do it."

Steve glares. "If anyone's punching Loki, it's me," he insists. "But fine. We'll talk to Tony and Nat, maybe Bruce if he's around, first."

Bucky sighs, shakes his head, but even now he knows better than to stand in Steve's way.

* * *

Once Steve is dressed - in sweatpants and as small a t-shirt as he can find, and Jarvis has already offered to order some clothes to be delivered, which Steve thanks him for - he and Bucky make their way to the communal kitchen, where everyone else is having breakfast. Steve's starting to develop a bit of a headache from straining to see any hint of color; he can't help it, even though he tries to force himself to stop. 

"All right, we've got a situation," he announces as soon as they're close enough. 

Clint actually performs a spit take all over the kitchen table. "I'll say," he manages to splutter. "What the _fuck_ happened to you?"

"We don't know," Bucky answers, scowling. "But we think it's Loki."

"Thor hasn't come down yet," Clint muses, "but Jarvis hasn't reported anything unusual. Why the hell would he make you tiny, though?"

Steve shrugs. "He's supposed to be a trickster god, and legends are always based on some grain of truth, so who the hell knows," he grumps. "Toss me some PopTarts, Barton."

"There's more, though," Bucky presses. "He's not just tiny."

With both Nat and Clint looking expectantly at him, Steve has no choice but to admit, "I don't have my colours anymore."

Clint inhales sharply, but Natasha just asks, "Have you asked after Peggy?"

"First thing I did," Steve confirms. "She's fine."

"Who's fine?" Tony asks, striding into the room and heading straight for the coffee pot. "Nat, have you been beating up the interns agai-- _holy shit!_ What the hell happened?"

"We think Loki," Steve says. "I don't have my colours, either."

Tony blanches. "And Peggy..?"

"Is fine," Bucky answers.

Tony sighs. "Okay," he says, "but why would Loki do this? Why would he take your colours?"

"Shock factor?" Natasha suggests. "It's everyone's worst fear, to wake up without your colours."

"He could've done that without shrinking Steve," Clint points out. 

"He did more than that," Steve adds. "He effectively removed the serum. I've got the asthma, partial deafness, and I can feel the heart arrhythmia."

Bucky's gaze snaps to Steve. "You didn't tell me that," he says.

"Okay," Tony says. "First things first. Do you need anything? Medicine or inhalers or, y'know, clothes that fit?"

Steve holds up the paranoia inhaler. "Jarvis already ordered clothes, and I think I'll need supplements for anemia, as well. Used to take liver concentrate, but I'd rather take pills if I can get away with it."

"We'll get you what you need," Tony promises. "With a bit of luck we'll be able to fix this quickly, but we don't want to risk you getting sick if we can't." Bucky gives him a grateful look, which he barely acknowledges before powering on. "Jarvis, get on that and track down Thor; we've got some questions for him."

* * *

Thor can't give them anything, so Natasha suggests going up to see Loki himself. Steve insists on going with her, of course, so Bucky goes too; the thought of letting Steve out of his sight like this is enough to make his stomach roil.

When they get up to Thor's floor, Loki is sitting on the sofa, calm as you please, and Natasha's eyes narrow. "You're waiting for us," she says.

"Of course," Loki says, still calm and collected. "I knew I'd be the first suspect for Rogers's... diminutive regression."

"So you did it?" Steve demands. 

"I see no reason to deny it; you are in no danger, not with the advancements of Midgardian medicine, and I did not do it out of malice."

"Then why did you do it?" Natasha asks.

"Receiving colours after meeting your soulmate after you mature is unique to Midgard, but soulmates and ways to identify them are not. Jotun are unique in that they can... Not exactly _see,_ but sense, rather, the bonds among the other races. I wanted to test a theory concerning this... serum of Rogers's, and the effect it had upon his bond." Loki's tone is matter-of-fact, his gaze focused on Steve as he speaks, his expression suggesting there is something significant behind his words, but Steve doesn't even know how to begun to interpret that.

"All right, wise guy," Bucky says, stepping forward. "In English, please."

Loki raises an eyebrow. "I've confirmed my theory, and have shared all I'm willing to for the moment. You mortals have brains; use them."

"You sonova--" Bucky spits, ready to swing, but Natasha stops him with a hand on his shoulder.

"Not now," she says; "not yet." She cuts her gaze to Loki. "We'll be back."

Now Loki smirks. "Of course you will. Do try to have some answers of your own; it makes things less boring for me."

* * *

They leave Loki, and once they're back in the elevator Jarvis takes them straight down to the lab. "I hope you don't mind," Bruce says with a mild smile when he sees them. "Your last medical like this was in the '40s; we just want to make sure that we treat your various conditions properly."

"Of course," Steve says with a nod, already rolling up his sleeve. "What kind of tests are you going to run?"

"All of them," Bruce says. "Full physical, full blood panel, eye tests and hearing tests." He smiles. "The works."

Steve rolls his eyes. "Fun," he says dryly. "Let's get started, then."

The tests take over an hour, but Bucky stays in the lab until they're over and Bruce sends Steve on his way with the promise of the results ASAP. Steve looks tired, so Bucky takes him to their floor without asking, herds him into the living area and down onto the couch. "Do you need anything?" he asks. "Some tea, something to eat?"

"Soda please," Steve says. "And maybe a sandwich?"

"You bet," Bucky says. "Sit tight, I'll be right back."

"Thanks," Steve says with a weary smile. 

Bucky makes the sandwich and brings it over to Steve with a glass of the requested soda, which is set down on the coffee table before Bucky takes a seat beside Steve. "You should eat," he prompts gently, when Steve looks content to just stare at the sandwich. "Need to keep your strength up."

"Yeah," Steve mumbles, making himself grab the sandwich and take a bite. After he swallows the bite, he says, "You know, I feel bad for not thinking of this before, but... You don't have your colours anymore, do you?"

Bucky can't keep the shock off his face. "What do you mean?"

"Well, it's been seventy years," Steve says hesitantly. "And you never said anything, never told me who it was, so I just thought..."

"That they'd be dead by now," Bucky says, suddenly holding his heart in his mouth. He sighs. "Steve, there's something I need to tell you."

"Yeah?" Steve asks, looking at Bucky encouragingly. 

"My colours," Bucky says. "I got them when I was seventeen. Steve--"

The elevator doors open and Stark bursts onto their floor. "Sorry to interrupt, gentlemen, but if I could just borrow Cap. There's something I think you need to see."

Steve gives Bucky a slight smile. "We'll talk later?"

Bucky slips his right hand beneath his thigh, to hide the way it's shaking. "Yeah," he says. "Sure."

Steve gives Bucky another smile before turning to Tony. "What is it, Stark?"

"Well," Tony says, handing over a small case, "for starters, your eyesight is fucking awful. Like, horrendous. Put those on and see what you think."

Steve raises an eyebrow, but does as he's told - then blinks. "Holy shit."

"See," Tony says, smug. "I can't believe you didn't notice when you woke up. That is a ridiculously strong prescription. But that's not all."

"What else is there?"

"Loki didn't take your colours away when he reversed the serum," Tony says. "From what we can tell, you still have them."

"Uh, no I don't," Steve says, confused. "Everything's in shades of grey."

"Yes it is," Tony agrees, "but that has nothing to do with colours. Or, at least, _your_ colours."

"Get to the point, Stark," Bucky bites out.

"All right, all right!" Tony takes a deep breath, pauses for dramatic effect, and then: "You're colour blind!"

Steve waits, but when nothing more is forthcoming, he asks, "Is that supposed to be significant?"

Tony groans. "It means that even though you have your colours, you can't see them!" he cries. "It's a condition, it's medical, not... whatever soulmate colours are. And if Loki just took the serum away, then that means the serum fixed the colour blindness the first time, which _means_..."

"Stark, I have had a _really_ long day," Steve says, massaging his temples. "Please quit with the dramatics." 

"It means," Bucky says quietly, "that you could have had your colours for a long time before you stepped out of that chamber. And we have no way of knowing when you got them."

"Oh." Steve thinks that over for a moment, his heart sinking. "And there's no way of knowing who got their colors because of me, because odds are they're probably dead."

"Well," Tony says, "actually..." The look Bucky shoots him has the colour draining from his face. "You're right. No clue. That's all we have. So sorry. I'll see you later, okay?" And then he's gone.

Steve watches Tony go, then turns to Bucky with a bemused expression. "What was that about?"

"Nothing," Bucky lies. "I don't know."

"That was a terrible lie," Steve informs Bucky. "Especially after you just chased Tony out."

"I didn't want him to upset you."

Steve snorts. "I just found out that it's going to be damn near impossible to figure out who my soulmate actually is, so he'd have to work pretty hard to upset me, Buck."

"You still have your colours," Bucky points out. "You know they're still alive."

"I have met literally _dozens_ of thousands of people," Steve points out. "Hundreds of which were before I got the serum."

"You're right," Bucky says, his mind spinning. "We'll never know for sure."

Steve frowns though. "People usually aren't subtle when they first get their colours, though," he says slowly. "Why wouldn't they tell me?"

Bucky looks at Steve and then quickly away again. "Maybe they were scared," he says.

Steve snorts at that. "What was there to be scared of? I was a shrimp who didn't know how to back down from a bully and had a fifty-fifty shot of surviving every winter."

"Maybe they realised you didn't have your colours," Bucky says. "Maybe they thought it would change everything if they told you that you were their soulmate but they weren't yours."

Steve looks at Bucky sharply. "That's awful specific, Buck."

Bucky shrugs. "Know how it feels."

"Bucky..."

Bucky takes a breath, makes himself look at Steve though his eyes are wide and scared. "Steve," he says. "What you said before. I still got my colours, and I'm gonna have 'em 'til the day you die."

Steve looks back at Bucky, uncomprehending - and then everything slots into place. "Wait - you mean... _me?_ "

"Yeah," Bucky says, because he can't back down now. He won't. "Since I was seventeen."

Steve sucks in a breath. "The day you made that excuse about Rebecca's birthday," he remembers. "That's why you were so excited."

Bucky nods. "I was so sure, but you had no idea," he says. "What was I supposed to do?"

"I don't know," Steve admits. 

"I'm sorry," Bucky says. "I'm not suggesting anything; I know you don't..."

"Don't what?" Steve asks, rubbing a hand over his face. "If you're about to say that I don't love you, then you're dead wrong."

Bucky shoots Steve a sharp look. "Steve," he says. "You know what I mean."

"Do you not remember _anything_ from after Azzano?" Steve demands - probably rudely, but he doesn't have it in him to care overly much at the moment. "I can remember at least one time when I almost kissed you, and God knows how many times I stopped myself before that."

"Well, you'll have to forgive me for not being completely switched on upstairs just then, Steve," Bucky snaps back, "on account of the fact that I'd just had my _brain fried_ a few times!"

Steve's breath catches in his chest. "Wait, you mean - I thought they didn't start using that till after."

Bucky shrugs, guilty. "They didn't perfect it until after. Still hurt, though."

Steve runs a hand through his hair in agitation. "I'm sorry, I didn't think..."

"It's fine," Bucky says, "that's not the point."

Steve lets it go, because Bucky's right. "What is the point, then?" he asks, voice quiet. 

"The point is that a lot of time has passed since then," Bucky says. "A lot's changed. And you're upset right now, you're not thinking, and--"

"And what, that all invalidates the fact that I've been in love with you since '42?"

Bucky lets out a shaky breath. "I'm not the same person I was back then."

"Neither am I," Steve points out. 

"It's not the same," Bucky says.

"Maybe not, but the point still stands," Steve says gently. "We're not the same people, but I still love you."

"Do you?" Bucky asks, and the hope, the pain in his eyes is breathtaking.

"Yeah, I do," Steve says sincerely, reaching over to take Bucky's hand in his. 

A sob trembles in Bucky's chest on his next inhale. "I might not be your soulmate," he warns.

"I don't care," Steve says. "I'm yours, and there's no way to know for sure who mine is. I'm not going to wait to find out, not when I've got you right here."

"I love you," Bucky tells him. "I always have. If this is what you want..."

"It is," Steve says, giving Bucky's hand a squeeze. 

Bucky smiles, raises Steve's hand to his lips so that he can brush a kiss to the back of it. "Then I'm all yours."

* * *

Steve and Bucky set out to find Loki later that evening, and they eventually find him on the roof. "We figured it out," Steve says as soon as they're within hearing distance. "Why you took away the serum."

Loki doesn't look back at them as he asks, "Oh really?"

"Peggy Carter isn't Steve's soulmate," Bucky says. "At least, she might not be. The serum fixed a problem with his eyes that stopped him from seeing colours altogether."

"Very good," Loki says, his tone just shy of mocking. "And no, this... Peggy Carter isn't the Captain's soulmate. His soulmate is rather close to home, as it were."

"What do you mean?" Steve asks, eyes narrowed. 

Loki sighs, turning to fix Steve with a pointed look. "I mean, Barnes's bond is not unrequited. Honestly, you two should know how rare truly unrequited bonds are."

Bucky lets himself reel for a moment, glancing at Steve, before addressing Loki again. "Is this what you wanted to show him?" he asks. "Can you reverse whatever you've done now?"

Loki rolls his eyes. "Of course. You'll be back to normal when you wake up tomorrow morning."

"Thank you," Bucky says, when Steve doesn't seem inclined to speak. "Then we'll go, as long as you haven't got any more bombshells to drop on us?"

Loki waves a hand dismissively, but Steve doesn't budge. "Why did you do this?" he asks suspiciously. "What do you get out of it?"

Loki remains quiet for so long Steve thinks he won't answer, but then: "I am not a good person, Steve Rogers. But even I can wish to help another avoid the fate I found myself trapped in, especially when they simply did not know the truth." He glances at Bucky then, and Steve thinks he gets what Loki means. 

The hairs on the back of Bucky's neck prickle. "Thank you," he says again. "Come on, Steve."

"Thanks," Steve says, and when Loki does nothing but nod, expression unreadable, he follows Bucky back into the Tower. 

"Well," Bucky says, as soon as they're alone on their floor, glancing back to give Steve a small smile. "At least we know now."

"Yeah, at least we - know," Steve agrees, trailing off as something occurs to him. He looks at Bucky with wide eyes. "We - You were my soulmate back during the war. I - I still had my colors when I went down."

"Yeah," Bucky says, slowly, like he's waiting for the point.

"I had my colors when I crashed the Valkyrie," Steve repeats, distressed. "Buck, that was _after_ you fell."

"I know that," Bucky says. "Steve, it doesn't matter."

Steve shakes his head. "No, you don't- I'd had doubts about Peggy being my soulmate, so I don't, I should have - "

"Steve," Bucky says, alarmed. "You couldn't have known; it isn't your fault."

Logically, Steve knows that - even if he'd doubted, he'd still thought Peggy was his soulmate, and he hadn't known he was Bucky's. But that doesn't make much of a difference to the guilt currently wracking him. Still, he makes an effort to get himself under control, squeezing Bucky's hand for comfort, for the reminder that the other man is here _now,_ until he no longer feels in danger of crying and launching himself into another asthma attack. "You're right," he says, voice slightly hoarse. "I'm sorry, you're right."

"Come on," Bucky says. "Let's... sit down, okay? We can talk if you need to, or else we can just..." He trails off, unsure.

Steve shakes his head. "Just - I wanna take advantage of being small again," he confesses. "The way we used to."

Bucky looks surprised, but pleasantly so. "Yeah," he says. "Whatever you need, Stevie."

Steve gives Bucky a tired smile. "Yeah, I think that's what I need right now," he says quietly; that's the one thing he's truly missed about his smaller body, being able to be held the way Bucky used to hold him sometimes.

"The couch?" Bucky asks. "Or-- or the bed?"

Steve bites his lip. "Bed?" he asks tentatively. 

Bucky smiles, squeezes Steve's hand. "Come on."

Steve follows Bucky easily, and once they're inside the bedroom, he hesitates before asking, "Can we be shirtless?"

Here, Bucky falters. "Um," he says. "I-- The arm..."

"It's okay if you're not comfortable," Steve hastens to reassure Bucky. 

"It's just--" Bucky sighs. "It's pretty awful."

"I won't judge, or be disgusted," Steve says quietly. 

Bucky pulls a face. "You can't know that for sure."

"Yes, I can," Steve says gently. "It's you; I could never be disgusted by you."

Bucky shakes his head, but he's smiling. "Okay," he says. "But if it freaks you out, you just gotta say."

"I'll let you know," Steve promises. "Long as you let me know if you get uncomfortable."

"I will," Bucky promises. He hesitates. "Together?"

Steve nods, reaching for the hem of his shirt. "On three?"

Bucky does the same. "On three," he agrees.

They count down together, and Steve doesn't hesitate to pull his shirt off. "I promise I'm a lot more impressive with the serum," he jokes. 

"You're beautiful," Bucky says, pulling Steve to him before he can second-guess himself. "I knew that long before you got the serum."

Steve smiles, winding one arm around Bucky's waist as he lifts his other to skim his fingers along the metal plates of Bucky's left arm. "So're you," he murmurs. "You're still just as gorgeous as you were back then."

Bucky huffs softly. "Flatterer."

Steve grins. "Maybe, but it's still true," he teases. 

"Yeah yeah," Bucky says. "Come on. Someone wanted to snuggle."

Steve beams. "Yes, I did - up on the bed, Barnes."

Bucky does as he's told, lying on his left side and opening his arms with a smile that makes his eyes crease around the corners. "Unless you want to be the big spoon."

Steve snorts, climbing onto the bed and tucking himself into Bucky's arms. "This is the only thing I really missed," he confesses, wrapping Bucky's arms around himself. "Missed being able to do this."

"We can do it whenever you want," Bucky says, pulling Steve closer. "I'm not a midget, y'know."

"I'm still bigger than you when I've got the serum," Steve points out. "Not quite the same."

"Maybe not," Bucky agrees, his nose in Steve's hair, "but we'll manage."

"Good," Steve says, sighing as he feels his body relax for the first time since he woke up. "Gonna hold you to that."

"I should warn you, though," Bucky says lightly. "I think the new me is an equal-opportunity spooner."

Steve grins, tangling his fingers with the fingers of one of Bucky's hands so he can lift it to his mouth to press a kiss to Bucky's knuckles. "I think I can deal with that."

Steve does indeed wake up with his colors and serum back the next morning, and while he briefly mourns the loss of his smaller body, he does have to admit that he's gotten rather fond of this larger body. Bucky stays true to his word, however, and while they spend every night in the same bed, it's always even odds as to who is which spoon. They actually make Clint and Sam gag theatrically during most movie nights, the way they like to constantly touch each other and just act cliche-ly couple-y.

Almost a year after the incident with Loki, Steve enlists the team's help setting up a special surprise for Bucky; Natasha is charged with keeping Bucky out of the Tower and busy while everything is sorted out, and Thor is tasked with keeping his brother - who has apparently decided that a yearly trip to Earth is a good idea, but since he's yet to cause any serious trouble, the Avengers have no reason to try to kick him out - from doing anything to screw up Steve's plan. He's been working on this for a while, and while he's not exactly happy with one piece of the plan, it's good enough.

Steve's waiting anxiously on the communal floor when he feels a tap on his shoulder; turning, he sees Loki standing behind him, and can't keep the surprise off of his face. "Can I help you?"

"Consider this an advance gift," Loki says, a bit stiffly, before holding out a hand and dropping a small velvet box into Steve's hand. When Steve opens it, he's shocked to see his mother's engagement ring in the box. 

"But - I pawned this seventy years ago," he says, confused. "Why - How - "

"Thor told me you were disappointed you could not find it," Loki replies. "To stop his own disappointment and to absolve myself of any future gifting obligation, I found it."

"With magic?" Steve guesses.

"With magic. It was in another shop, and I left payment in return."

Loki looks supremely uncomfortable, and Steve decides to let him off the hook. "Well, obligation taken care of," he assures the Jotun with a smile. "Thank you." Loki nods, turning abruptly on his heel, and Steve hastily switches out the boxes as Jarvis announces that Bucky and Natasha are coming up in the elevator. "Places, everyone!" Steve calls, heart rate and adrenaline spiking.

"I know you're hiding something from me," Bucky is saying causally as they approach. "You think I don't know you but I do. You've used eight of the evasion techniques I taught you and at least three of your own. Just tell me what's going--"

Bucky comes to a dead stop in the living room, blinking. The giant-ass screen that they all usually watch movies on is showing something very different: a message. A question, actually. 

_James Buchanan Barnes, will you marry me?_

The message is clearly an enlargement of Steve's handwriting, and when Bucky can finally tear his eyes away from the screen, he spots Steve in the middle of the living room floor, down on one knee with a small black box in his hand. Steve's clearly nervous, but only needs to clear his throat once before he can ask, "Well, you said once you'd be with me till the end of the line; will you be with me to end of the aisle and beyond?"

"Fuck," Bucky breathes, and then he's crossing the room in long strides and dragging Steve up, into a bruising kiss. "Yes, you fuckin' punk. Yes."

Steve wraps his arms around bucky, returning the kiss eagerly - well, as best he's able to, considering he's grinning like a loon. When they finally break apart, Steve brings the box back around and pops it open. "C'mon, gimme your hand."

"I ain't a freakin' dame, Steve," Bucky complains, but he presents his hand anyway.

"You're the one who said yes, you get the ring," Steve informs him, grinning, as he cracks open the box and takes out said ring, slipping it onto Bucky's finger - he's surprised when it's a perfect fit; Bucky and his mom had had similar ring sizes, but the ring is sitting snugly on Bucky's left ring finger. 

"It's beautiful," Bucky says softly. "But I-- I've seen this before."

Steve nods. "It was my mom's," he confirms. "She gave it to me just before she died, but... I had to pawn it."

"Oh Steve," Bucky breathes, curling his fingers around Steve's wrist and drawing him closer. "How did you get it back?"

Steve smiles. "I had some help," he says. 

"Okay," Bucky says, his own smile quizzical. "Well, it's perfect."

Steve smiles, leaning in for another kiss. "I'll tell you later," he promises quietly. 

"Okay!" Tony cries, springing out from nowhere and making even Bucky jump. "Enough of that, or you'll make even Jarvis hurl. Can we get this party started or what?"

Steve can't help but laugh as everyone else choruses their agreement as they come out of their hiding spots. "All right, all right," he chuckles. "Bucky said yes, so I guess we can start the part you're all actually excited for."

Sam grins as he stops the recording on his phone. "You can edit that part out yourself, Stark. Ruined a perfectly good moment."

Everyone laughs at Stark's affronted spluttering, and Steve wraps his arm around Bucky's waist, drawing the other man in for another lingering kiss as the rest of the team starts pulling out snacks and drinks; he breaks the kiss off with a groan when Natasha announces that they're gonna play all the videos of Steve's embarrassing moments from before Bucky came back. "Do we have to?" he complains, even though he's still smiling, arm around Bucky's waist. 

"Yes," Bucky laughs. "Yes, we do!"

Steve groans again, hiding his face in Bucky's shoulder. "I hate you," he mumbles, but he's laughing quietly as he says it. 

"No," Bucky murmurs, tipping Steve's face back up so he can meet his gaze. "You really don't."

Looking into the beautiful grey-blue of Bucky's eyes, Steve can't find it in him to even joke. "No, I really don't," he agrees, voice as soft as the kiss he leans in for. 


End file.
